| Counterfeit Loves In Marriage |
| There are many expressions of love in marriage, some genuine and some counterfeit. Dr. Les Parrott effectively describes the counterfeit styles of love in his book Love's Unseen Enemy (Zondervan Publishers). Each style has several characteristics. PLEASERS Unfortunately, some people equate marital love with being a pleaser. Pleasers are persons who are dominated and guided by their emotions. They do the right things for the wrong reasons. They do loving things rather than being loving persons. Pleasers have this overwhelming need to please. It's as though they live to make people happy. As you watch them, they appear to be conscientious and feel comfortable. They go out of their way to make others --especially their partners--feel comfortable. They're especially good at remembering to do the little things others overlook. They're approachable and agreeable, and when asked to do something they usually do more than they're supposed to do, and they do it with a warm smile. But these acts of love aren't voluntary; they're compulsive. Such people feel personally responsible for the happiness of others. If their partners are unhappy, they feel guilty. They're driven to do too much so they will feel better. In a marriage they may end up feeling used. And....most pleasers tend to be women. Pleasers are the givers of life. Hundreds of husbands and wives constantly give and give and give, but not because of love. It is because of guilt or because they meet some of their own needs by giving. They need to give to others in order to feel good about themselves. It is like being hooked on helping. They become "helpaholics." Pleasers try to avoid being receivers. When they must receive, they feel uneasy and guilty, and they begin thinking of ways to repay. Pleasers have a performance mentality. They must do things right away, and they want to look good. They need approval from their partners in order to keep their guilt under control. They live for the applause. They also live with a fear of failure. But this is not a healthy, Biblical way to love another person. Pleasers believe they're responsible for their spouses' well-being and happiness. It reminds me of a rescuer, a self-appointed lifeguard. But the ones they tend to rescue aren't drowning. To pleasers, self-denial is not a means to an end, but an end in and of itself. But this makes loving behavior no longer loving. They turn into martyrs and in the process, may drive others away. This in turn makes them feel more guilt so they try harder, which pushes others away even more. I've seen this happen again and again in marriages, and yet pleasers can't understand the negative effects of their behavior. Pleasers are some of the great conflict avoiders of the world. They defer, give in, say yes when no is more appropriate, and allow wrong to continue. But they do have limits. If pushed or cornered into conflict, they either give in or blame themselves or erupt like a volcano because they're so unskilled in resolved conflicts. In marriage, pleasers live for their partner's affections , holding on to any small measure they can get. But they also expect their partners to know what they want or need without ever telling them. Can you even imagine pleasers expressing what they need to their partners? Not really! Any withdrawal or diminishing of intimacy on the part of their partners is a disaster. Time after time I have seen the same scenario played out in my office. The pleasing spouse sits there and says, ' I just don't understand it. I love him so much and I trty to please... Yet it seems that the more I try to please, the more I seem to push him away from me.' It's true. The partner felt smothered and constricted. One husband married to a pleaser told me, 'It makes me sick. I wish she had more backbone and would stand up to me. Let's have some conflict. I'm tired of having a 'yes' person for a spouse.' Pleasers tend to create some of the very problems they wish to avoid. The CONTROLLER Another conterfeit pattern is the controller. In many ways, this is the opposite of a pleaser. They both have a strong need for acceptance, but they certainly try to get it in different ways. Pleasers yield power to others in their desire to loved, but controllers take over and take charge to gain the respect of others. A pleaser has an overabundance of sympathy but very little objectivity. The controller, being just the opposite, has a great amount of objectivity but doesn't know the first thing about sympathy. Controllers are very analytical. Even though this helps them understand the needs of others, the purpose is usually to gain control over them. Controllers can usually be identified by seven characteristics of how they relate to others. 1. Their need to be in control is obvious. They use two means to gain control. Fear expressed through intimidation is typical, and they are very adept at discovering and using weaknesses in other people. The other tool is to quietly silence their partners-by a word, a rolling of the eyes, or a gesture. Any mistake is noticed and used to guide the erring spouse into line with the controller's agenda. 2. Controllers are very self-reliant. For them, teamwork in a marriage is not possible. Totally independent, they create their own vacuums of lonliness, for their style of independence alienates them from others. 3. Emotion is absent from their lives. This helps to create marriages in which their partners end up starving for closeness and intimacy (see pt 7). The emotional bonding that is necessary for a healthy relationship fails to happen. And all too often, controlling kills their spouses' love. 4. They are inept at expressing loving behavior. What may appear to be graciousness, politeness, kindness, or even being very sociable has a purpose in mind--to take control of the other person. Having love as an end result has no real meaning, but using love as a means to an end makes sense to them. If they show interest in another person, it's for a purpose. Their partners end up feeling used. 5. Rules, rules,and more rules is their way of life. And the more rigid they are the better. There is a right way to do things--it's their way, and it's the only way. They know what's best for others and will orchestrate their lives. 6. Their style of communication is demanding in words, intent, and tone. They're bottom-line people who cut right to the heart of a matter. 7. Controllers won't open up and reveal their inner lives and feelings for fear of losing their position of power or control. This makes it very difficult to develop intimacy in a marriage, especially when an overly dominant controller's partner is overly submissive. Even the submissive partner becomes fearful of being open and vulnerable, because he or she could be attacked and overwhelmed by the other person. There is a lack of mutuality in the marriage." The above characteristics are printed here in hopes of the reader buying the book the Secrets of A Lasting Marriage Building A Love That Will Last Forever by H. Norman Wright This is an excellent book for anyone who wants a CHRIST-Centered marriage! ...back |